Ian

Uve died and im here thinking that i hear your voice but its somebody else....its always somebody else......WHY DID YOU DIEEEEEEE!!!!!!!????


just so everyone knows thats a fuckin awsome song and if you dont kno it or kno who its by thats to bad im to lazy to look up the name of the song


so this weekend was long yet fun and boring at the same time....

i went to keene friday night to see meghan and it so happend that this girl jenna lane i used to hang out with goes there so i visitied with her and that was cool and i hung out with charollete and kathlene and rachel...all kids that i dindt really hang out with much in school but wish i had of now cuze we had alot of fun.

"ILL BLEED TO REMEMBER YOU"

and so i think this is awsome because before i went to keene i went to visit renee and got a free lunch at her school then a free dinner at keene....free food it awsome and so far im getting it..

anyway the night went on and i had a couple shots of vodka...then went to some kids room and drank some beers and to be honest i dont kno how many i had but meghan told me i couldnt stand up and i had to stop. and i didnt wanna like ruin her night or get her in trouble so i did....so then they wanted to walk around and well i couldnt really walk lol so they brought me back to meghans room where her roomate was...first of all it was on the fourth floor all stairs...just imagine how hard that was....so i wasnt allowed to leave the room cuze cops where everywhere....so i hung out with her friend and guess who called sam from a diffrent phone number....but just so everyone knows i hung up because im done with her and im happy now ...very happy and i dont wanna be dragged down again...so the night went on and i fuckin have never pissed so many times in 20 min then i did that night....at least thats what i was told. i really dont remember much...i remember being put in the room....lol then i remember drunk charolette hugging me goodnight at god knows what time....so anyway woke up the next morning...said bye to jenna...and drove from keene to work...that fuckin sucked...worked...then went home...then sunday being today went to work.

so at work we are playing a game ...and the game goes....if u see someone that looks like a famous celebrity you say the name and get a point for each person...well today we saw clint eastwood...good god this guy looked exactly like him it was fuckin weird....

anyway im really happy now in my life...yea my classes are really hard but im gettin used to it.....i think im gonna transfer to durham because its hard to meet anyone because no one lives there where as if i live at durham ill be able to meet new friends up the ass.


"SOME TIMES IT GETS SO HARD TO BREATH..........YOUR EYES SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME......these fights with ur arms left beside...its one thing and one more says good night........THESE KNUCKLES BREAK BEFORE THEY BLEED"...i skipped a line if anyone knows that song....

im goin to do homework.....keep in touch everyone...u guys kno who u r

so....it was an eventfull week i guess you could say....im sure no one really reads this but im not gonna get to into what went on because its not appropiate.

anywho i started classes wednesday and i like them they are long and hard but o well ill get over it i mean it is college. so wednesday night i went to see this band The Films at St.A's cuze renee and kathrine go there and they were really really really good. it wasnt like music i usually listen to but the music was just pure and i dunno how to explain it ...it was just really really good. so they invited us back to the hotel to hang out and i knew there was gonna be alcohol there so i decided not to go cuze i didnt wanna drink and if i had i wouldnt be able to drive home and therefore not get to class on thursday....so good decision on my part.
so i guess im gonna talk about what happend with sam and i but im not gonna get into it because it was between me and her and its just not fair to her if i go into details or anything....lets just say i finally snapped and i couldnt take it anymore...and the only reason i did was because i cared...i could have just been like what ever fuck her...but i mean cmon i loved the girl for 8 months...i cant just do taht after 2 weeks. so yea i pretty much snapped and to be honest i didnt want to and i didnt like doing it and im pretty sure ill never snap that bad again anytime soon. i just was blown away because she was the last person i ever thought would hurt me to this extent....and like pricilla said...it takes alot to get me upset...ALOT. so after i snapped we talked about it and she relized what she was doing and all that and said sorry BUT i told her that i cant forgive her overnight....someone that i loved for 8 months tore me to shreds...it just isnt something i can brush off. so we are working through it. However there are other things im worried about taht pertain to her but im not gonna talk about it because again its private...and this well isnt really a private place lol.

anyway.....
katy and i are getting along good which is good she is a really nice girl...and super smart lol i could never do the NHS thing lol nope not for me

i have a band practice with ryan sunday...taht should be good its been awhile scince ive played with anyone so i guess we will see how it goes and if im into it

i saw kathrine tonight.....and if you dont kno about our history lol well then to bad....anyway i relized today that she is awsome and she is living at St A's and taht i realyl should make a point to see her more because we have a really good time and she is one of the few peolpe i can talk to.

this is pretty much the first time in my life ive had the best of friends....i dunno wut i would do without phil....grayfox is the man and is always there even if he doesnt kno waht to say.....and then mackenzie....wow her and i have goten so close this summer and i wouldnt regret a moment with her ever.....she is just such a good friend and i never thought her and i would come so close....lol even tho my mom seems to think her and i r gonna get together...no that will never happen she is like my sister....now dont get me wrong renee and meghan and pricilla are all also some of my bestest of friends but i really think that kenz and i have just grown unbelivably close this summer...i mean fuck we see each other pretty much everyday

so im gonna end this entry probably because its gettin late and its gettin long....im starting to get slowly happier day by day

so yea my subject thing pretty much says it all....i feel like dying....sam called me tonight...drunk...telling me to fuck off that im a fuckin cunt..i should die ..she hates me never wants to talk to me again....i kno she is drunk...but that had to be the most painfull thing i have ever expirenced.....i mean i kno she is drunk but omg this was the most painfull thing ive ever felt....and no one else can understand because they arent in my shoes
and the worst part is she ...even if she does talk to me ever again....she might not even feel bad,.....thats like the impression i get now that this happend...that she just doesnt care about my feelings anymore

ive lost my best friend and it seriously is the worst feeling in the world....this is worse then breaking up....i dont even kno how to feel or what to do anymore...but i mean she had all day to call and she called when drunk....we are going through a break up..and i mean if this is all its gonna be...her calling me drunk....then i dont want it. and i kno that is harsh but omg i it hurts soooooooooooooooo bad.....its like ive been torn to shreds and there is nothing left


im gonna go.......see wuts next for me....

hey.....so only a few more days till i start school....im really excited...i bought my books yesterday and they came to a butt load 500 bucks.....thats alot of money for books...o well what ya gonna do huh.

sam and i broke up....its been really hard i mean i totally understand y it happend and i totally respect her for it.....she is having a really good time and i miss her alot but im sure ill go visit her or at least see her when she gets a chance to come home.....we got into a fight today and i feel really bad about it because some of the things i said i didnt mean....and like it was one thing to lose her as my girlfriend....but to lose her as my best friend would be even worse....cuze then its like losing that person entirely.......and i never want to lose her entirely......i dont kno what i would do if i did....i guess thats y im mostly upset because i dont want to lose her as a friend cuze then im left with nothing and if you guys allready dont kno sam is an awsome friend and im really glad that at one point i got to expirence that.....i dont want to lose that and ill do anything to hold on to it..

so i guess im gonna go ...this is a real depressive entry....it seems most of them have been latley....o well maybe things will brighten up

hey,

so i dont kno what to write in here anymore......i mean college starts soon thats a big thing.......

i dont know how sam and i are gonna work out during college...i hope it does work but then again i dont want to be a hassle in her life. its her last week here and i feel like im saying goodbye forever but i kno im not.

ive been so depressed latley and i dont even kno y. im just like ....i dunno how to explain it....its like i want to cry but i cant.....maybe its cuze of college i dont kno but its starting to really suck and it drains the energy from me and makes me just want to do nothing....but when i do nothing i want to do something...but when i do something i just want to do nothing....it fuckin sucks and i feel like there is no one to talk to about it. im not trying to burden anyone i just want someone to talk to. i mean im not always like this....those who kno me really well kno im not like this and i dont kno what is wrong with me.

anyway im gonna go ...do nothing

wow its been a really long time scince ive written here but here i am sitting in my room listening to music just to pass the time away so i can go work. i got into UNH manchester and im fairley excited and i guess also scared to start school. but i dunno what kid isnt scared to go on their first day of school. i have 2 jobs now, one at sears selling tools and the other at Ted Herberts Music. i really enjoy both even tho it can be stressfull having two jobs.

anywho, the summer has been going great and its hard to belive that one more month and my senior year summer is over. kinda sad in a way, i dont kno if im ready for all this, its so much to think about all the time and so much stress it seems.

my dad moved out so now its just my mom and ellie and me which i really like. i still see him but i dunno things will never be better with us.

sam is great i still love her just the same as the day i met her, ive been going up to her lake house latley and spending time with her and her family before she leaves. thats gonna be tough, i hope we can do it and if not im sure if she were to find someone else he would make her 100 times more happier then i do and i guess in the end i just want whats best for her. i am very proud of her and everything she has done. her family is great, i wish i had parents like hers, they are just so nice and treat me as lol i dunno one of the family. her dad is awsome and her mom is a sweet heart.

anyway i gota get ready for work but i think ill be writting in here more often from now on, i got alot on my mind.

so not a whole lot has happend scince i last wrote in here.

well no i guess quiet a bit did happen. my mom got a 4dollar an hour raise and is taking out a loan to help me buy a car. of course i have to pay her back but still that is awsome. so because of that i decided i would quit my job. so i did. i gave my two week notice yesterday , being wednesday, and talked to the people at ted heberts music store about getting a job there and its all set. so things are looking pretty good as far as those things go.

still in a huge waiting game with college. well besides northeastern. i didnt get in there but it wasnt like i expected to. but then again it gets me worrying about what happens if i dont get into anywhere i applied, then what do i do. and my parents want to talk about it with me but for some reason i HATE talking about it. its as if i just want to put my life on hold an not have to worry about it. but i have to worry about it, its the rest of my life.

however besides that stuff and what not life is going along just great so i guess im all done here.

o man its been so long scince ive updated on here. well lets see what to say, not a whole lot has happend. The band has dwindeled down to 3 people, me charlie and kevin. But thats ok we are still pulling strong and we have a show next Saturday that im really excited for.

Sam has left for a week to go on a cruise which is a bummer cuze i dont have a whole lot to do now but its ok she will be home in time for our show.

So all my college stuff is in and now its a huge waiting game and im really worried that im gonna lose this game. I highley doubt im gonna get in where i applied besides UNH. But i mean ill go there if i get in but i really want to go to Emerson that would be like a dream come true.

Not a whole lot has been happening with the family or anything just the normal stuff. Our computer isnt working so now i hafta go online with my laptop but hey nothing bad about sitting in bed and talking to people. Its more comfratable then that chair at the desk.

I went to the Taste Of Chaos tour a couple of weeks ago and i dunno it wasnt as good as i expected it to be. It wasnt bad but static lullaby didnt do to great and i was dissapointed with that but underoath and killswitch were awsome. But besides that i just think the concert was made up to be more then it was. It was ok not bad or anything but nothing special

We are currently thinking of changing the band name to 2 Times None which i think is a really cool name and is alot better then goodwin.

Anywho i gota go do some things so see u hoes later. Peace Bitches lol.

So here i am in my dads apartment which is a lil werid. but ellie is on the other computer so i figured id just use his.

things are ok. i guess there is this show thing at trinity and a bunch of people said we might hafta tone down if we wanna play there. lol well fuck that im not changing and hey u kno if they cant see our artistic ability over some and i stress the word SOME of the screaming then what ever no big deal.

so i havent seen anyone in a long time. and when i say anyone i mean like renee and cilla and phil and them. and it makes me kinda sad. i gota find some time to put aside to hang out with them cuze this year is almost coming to its end and stuff.

we had a band practice on sunday and it was wicked sick. we wrote some new songs and improved some of the old ones. it was alot of fun even tho brian didnt kno up. i really hope we dont lose him as our bassist but if he isnt gonna show up then i mean its not worth it. and its not as if we wont be able to find someone. we have charlie who can play and stuff.

im really bored right now and i was gonna do my homework but im just not motivated to. sometimes i wish i could be motivated to do my homework and then id do better and what not. its not like i do bad or anything.

well taht just about sums up everything what not so adios kiddos.

hey well its been awhile scince ive updated in this but of course not a whole lot has happend scince then and now.

last saturday i went to portland maine and competed in fencing and took 2nd yet for some reason im not motivated to go to fencing on tuesday nights. i dont kno if its just cuze im lazy or because i dont want to do it any more but that ive been doing it so long i dont want to accept that.

My semi is in 2 weeks which is really soon. and i also have to make a display table for a 4-H thing and stand by it the same day. so its gonna be a full day. i have alot of work ahead of me as well. i finished the power point for it today but i still hafta make the poster and get some other things squared away.

I think i forgot to go to counseling today but he never called so maybe i didnt. ive just been so tired latley and i dont kno y. ive been falling asleep at 830 for the past like 2 days and i dont see why im gettin so tired when i get home. o well maybe i just need a full day of sleep.

Got alot of sno these past couple of days. hopefully we have a delay tommorow cuze if we do im just not going to school and then i can get my day of sleep in and not hafta do anythign the entire fuckin day. o man that would be a good time.

ok well its that time again to go and do other things. adios kiddos.

well hello everyone, i guess the last time i updated in here was like vacation or something like that. so i guess between now and then life has been pretty good and what not. im trying to book a show at drifters for all those Goodwin lovers out there which is like 4 people (the ones in the band) lol. anyway yea.

so went skiing last saturday and it was cool. then went again this saturday with kevin cuze it was his b-day and shit. so he rented ski's and they didnt have anymore poles so i stole some for him and that was his b-day present and then we stole some food. last night being sunday....yea......went to kevins with pricilla megan and sam and we played cranium. and i must say i am not to shabby at that game even tho i really didnt kno what was goin on half the time. sam slept over and stuff and then i played drums.

so midterms are this week and that just flat out blows. oh and for all of u who read this and dont comment FUCKIN COMMENT. i get real bored so i look to see if people comment and of course u fuckers dont. so either no one reads this or no one comments. ok well im out peace out cub scout.

so its uhhh o gee what day is it.......umm wednesday thats right. i get a lil off track on vacation. anyway. so its was a pretty good x-mas. the whole family thing was ok i guess. a lil weird but it was ok i mean they are my family. anyway yea vacation is goin pretty good to. i saw oceans 12 last night and it was really really good. u should all go see that movie.

so im waiting for sam to pick me up we are goin some place in mass i dont kno where lol. we went to the mall last night and i bought a case for me iBook and it was like 50bucks but o well im still a kid i can do shit like that. and i bought a new cd of course cuze i have a fuckin love for music and shit.

i had my new drum teacher the other day. he had a really nice double pedal that was alot easier to use then mine. i liked him alot he knows his stuff and what not. he is teaching me some linear drumming stuff with double bass and it sounds pretty damn cool.

im supposed to be gettin pictures for a project im supposed to be doin but i really havent even done that yet. o well. im supposed to be doing my emerson application. so i kinda started that then just stoped. that would be really rad if i got into there.

ok well im gonna go. talk to all u kiddos later. adios.

so im updating because sam complained i never do ha ha. so yea its been an interesting past couple of weeks.

the divorce was final last thursday and things are just weird now. like i dunno its just odd i guess. things seem out of place and what not. i bought my dad a phone for x-mas for his new apartment its all i could think of. its odd with x-mas too because im goin to his side of the family for most of the day. this is because my moms family consists of 2 sisters and thats it and one lives in maine and the other in virgina. so yea its with my dads side this year and i dunno things are just weird with them and what not but who cares its x-mas i guess. ill live and shit.

lets see what else can i write about. the mall was fuckin packed today. like damn ive never seen so many people within 5feet from me. i thought it was being overtaken or something by all the people.

so i hafta work x-mas eve and that just sux huge ass blue balls. i mean who wants to work x-mas eve. well i guess its not that bad. both my parents are working on x-mas. my mom wasnt supposed to but then her gay boss said she had to or something so that sux for her. she was really excited to be with us x-mas morning cuze of the divorce and all but now i guess she hasta work and she will be home around 4pm. so im stuck with my dad most of the day and then he goes to work at 230 so there is a gap where its just me , my sister, and my granparents and honestly i dont kno if i want that. like id rather be home or something.

ok well i think ive updated enough so im gonna go. adios kiddos.

So today was a pretty good day. left school early and hung out with sam and kevin and caitlin. dropped kevin and caitlin off and sam and i hung out at my house. so then sam left and i like laid on the couch till 5 and put the horses in.

so my parents get divorced in 2 days. and im not sure how i feel about it. i think ive gotten use to the fact that my dad doesnt live in the same place we do. well i guess he kinda does but if ur reading this then u kno what im talking about. but yea i dunno im like sad, embarssesd, awkward and god knows what else all at the same time. i guess i really wont kno wut to feel until it actually happens. it just blows i guess. my mom seems uneffected but im sure she isnt she is just trying to stay strong infront of ellie and i.

anyway onto a lighter subject. i got tommorow off from work. so im excited for that i dont hafta work till next monday. that gives me a chance to do my college stuff cuze thats in a month i need that shit in. or im fucked. SAT scores come out friday and im real fuckin nervous for that. im gonna be fucked up the ass if those didnt work out.

so i thought id post a song in here i wrote cuze i have nothing else to do.

Paraellel Dimensions

Go ahead just do the things you do
Just leave others behind with your comments
Make us feel like we dont belong
When the truth is, you dont belong here
In this imaginary world you created just for you

The blood drips from your hands
From the hearts you've crushed in them
Clenching tight enough till they pop
Bursting open as the love and care drips out

Go ahead just do the things you do
Stepping over everyone as if nothing is in your way
Must make you feel pretty high and mighty
Over the faces you leave prints on
In this imaginary world you created just for you

The blood drips from your hands
From the hearts you've crushed in them
Clenching tight enough till they pop
Bursting open as the love and care drips out

Go ahead just do the things you do
Your head up high, nose in the air
By the way how is the weather up there?
Any future forecasts of raining on your parade?
In this imaginary world you created just for you

The blood drips from your hands
From the hearts you've crushed in them
Clenching tight enough till they pop
Bursting open as the love and care drips out

So just push me down and block me out
Not like you ever cared anyway
To bad its done, over , finished, however you put it
Ill just stand here all alone, while you smile down
In this imaginary world you created just for you


So please comment tell me what you think and what not.
adios kiddos.

so this weekend was a real real real good time. and we all kno y so i wont get into it.

anyway today is monday and ehh it was ok until like the end of the day when i got into a fight with someone and now like i feel bad and shit and hopefully that person relizes what i said about hopping it works out i ment and stuff. so yea that put a huge damper on my day. then i had to go to work and it was slow and i worked alone and that kinda blew cuze i had no one to talk to.

anyway onto more exciting things.....like i dunno......im leaving school tommorow early with kevin and sam and caitlin to go hang out....u can tell i have my priorities straight lol.

anywhooooooo. im really bored.and hungary cuze no one made me dinner. o well ill just make some sandwich later. oh and i love how all u fuckers never read this and shit. lol thanks alot guys. the only one that does is jason and he leaves gay comments. come one now dont make me kill myself please. lol.

ok so i think im done for the night. hope everyone had fun NOT reading this. ha ha bitches.

so its friday morning. ive had a great week i guess you could say. left school early yesterday to hang out with sam. then i picked up kevin and we hung out at my house then had counseling.

but all in all this week hasnt been bad. i guess the only bad part is i hafta work today and i really really dont want to cuze its really like gross outside.

so yea im just waiting for renee to pick me up so i cant write forever i guess.

i have ACTs tommorow and im really nervous for that. i mean if i screw up on both my SAT and ACT i have a real limited number of colleges to apply to. and i relized last night that my application deadlines are alot closer then i thought. a little over a month away so i hafta get my ass in motion.

college......something we all stress over. o well maybe its worth it.

well i must get goin so i can finish gettin ready for when renee gets here. adios/

well here i am at home at 9:21. we had a 2 hour delay but that really doesnt matter to me cuze i hade late arrival anyway. so im waiting for megan to pick me up cuze if my dad had brought me to school then i would have had to stand outside cuze it wouldnt be open.

anyway so today i go to school then home then to hang out with sam and who knows who else. then off to do a project with johanne and lauren. were watching the shawshank redemption for our project. lol dont ask. hopefully we come through.

"all i can do is tell you the truth"

i woke up this morning and i wish all my friends could have seen what i saw. my back yard (field) is coverd in sno and its all sparkely and all the trees are sparkely cuze its icy and the light is shinning off of them. wish u could all see it its really pretty.

i love sno. i dont like to work in it at work but i love to ski and what not and play in it cuze i mean who doenst like to play in the sno.

so im all ready for school. and because we had a 2 hour delay i basically have one class which i dunno i guess thats cool but it makes for a boring day. but i must go because megan will be here soon. so adios kiddos.

so yea first entry in live journal. ive graduated from xanga cuze NO ONE FUCKIN READS IT. so goddamit someone better read this shit. anyway......

"we wont forget you"

its like raining \freezing and stuff i think i dont kno. i had to go put the horses in and it was really really cold.

so my day was ok i guess. i slept in like an extra 15 min. had a quiz in college physics. i think i got a good grade i mean i love that class. then the rest of the day went on and i was excited to start my drum lessons again. OH BUT FUCK THAT SHIT lol .....he called and said he couldnt. but its cool. so i went home and played cuze i felt like it and i can.

i really hope we dont have school tommorow. i dont kno what to think of school anymore. i mean like im excited to leave but not at the same time. im really worried that like my SAT scores arent gonna come out to great and stuff. but yea anyway id rather not talk about that.

so i guess im gonna go cuze i have nothing else really on my mind. so adios kiddos.